Scaredy-Cat.

Within the last few days I've come to the realization of just how scared I really am. 

I'm not scared of everything, actually very few things.

But those few things that truly scare me, scare me A LOT. 

I would say my biggest fear is death.

Not my own death, 

but the death of those around me,

of my family and friends, 

the people I care most about. 

I never even realized I was scared of it until Sunday.

I was at my team meeting for my trip to Haiti.

We were talking about ways the Devil is going to try and scare us and distract us while we are there.

I knew that I was scared of death when I went away. 

Anytime I'm on a trip or away from home I have an overwhelming sense that something is horribly wrong and I need to get home ASAP. 

It's almost never true.

But it was once, 

the first time I really went away on my own, 

and I think it's done more damage than I realized. 

Every time I check my phone or email, my mind immediately starts playing out every possible completely horrible scenario of what could be going on, 

who is hurt, 

who is in trouble, 

who is dead. 

I knew this was something that plagued me while I was away. 

It definitely did when I was in Wales and if Tara hadn't been there to talk me down everyday, I would have gone bonkers. 

It happened when I was at Kamp too. 

The first night I was there I had a dream that my nephew, Aubrey, had fallen in a pool and hit his head and was paralyzed.

It was probably the most vivid and horrifying nightmare ever. 

All day I was paranoid, I kept sneaking peeks at my phone just to make sure everything was okay. 

(It was and his is fine.)

So in that respect I knew I was a scaredy-cat. 

My mentality was, 

when I go away all hell is going to break loose and I won't be there to do anything about it. 

When you think about it, 

that's a pretty sucky mentality. 

But the more I talked about it with my Haiti team, 

the more I realized that it's not just when I go away,

it's all the time. 

Anytime my phone rings a little pang goes through my heart.

My mind constantly goes from one crisis scenario to the next. 

I was plagued by fear and I didn't even know it. 

Over the past few days, 

the Lord has shown me something, 

that all of this fear is pure CRAP. 

It's all lies straight from the Devil. 

And I've believed him for way too long. 

Shouldn't I know that fear isn't from God?

Shouldn't I know that He is in control?

Shouldn't I know that even if some crisis was to happen, He would take care of everything?

Shouldn't I know that He can care for my loved one far better than I can?

Shouldn't I know that they aren't even my loved ones, but His?

I should know all of this stuff. 

And I did. 

I had just forgotten about it until now. 

My first thought to this realization was, 

HOW?

How do I live without this?

How do I trust God so completely?

Honestly, I don't know how. 

I don't know that anyone really does. 

All I know is that God is more powerful than Satan. 

So that would mean that His truth is more powerful than Satan's lies. 

All I have to do now is be able to notice the difference.