Things have been rather somber on the blog this week,
but ya know,
things have been on the somber side in life this week,
so it works.
I was talking to my community group the other night,
and I realized that have a good bit of knowledge when it comes to the grieving process.
Mostly, I have a lot of experience as the friend of the grieving.
And I noticed that,when placed in this situation,
most people don't have any idea what they need to be doing.
So I thought that I might offer up some of the wisdom I've gained over the years.
Here we go:
1. Be Quiet.
Most people think they have to say something to make things better,
or they just can't stand the silence.
Get over it and shut up.
Nothing you say can make anything different or better,
so it's best you not say anything at all.
A grieving person doesn't want your opinion or advice,
they really don't care.
Don't get offended.
Just shut your mouth,
put your arm around them,
and let them nasty cry into your shirt.
2. Be There.
This one depends on your situation,
on how close you are to the grieving,
also on how close or how much family is available to them.
If you are very close,
you need to be there AS SOON AS POSSIBLE and AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE.
This is code red status.
Drop whatever you're doing because they need someone they trust and care about.
If anything, a griever needs to see that someone they love is still alive.
If you aren't as close,
coming to visitation or a wake as well as the funeral, is good,
texts, emails and Facebook messages are good too.
I would avoid phone calls,
they don't need the obligation of having to talk when they don't want to.
In this area I would try to use your own judgement.
3. Be Helpful.
Help them out.
If they don't know what to wear to the funeral or visitation,
help them pick it out,
let them borrow something,
go buy them a black dress.
If they are hungry,
get them something to eat.
If things are dirty,
clean them up.
A griever will usually tell you what they need,
just do what they ask.
4. Be Creative.
Think of creative and simple ways to show them that you are there and that you care about them.
Bring their favorite movie over and watch it together,
or a book they like so they can read at night.
In high school,
a very good friend of mine lost her mom,
she had been sick for a long time,
when it got to those final days,
all of our friends went to her house,
and we made the most incredible fort in her room.
Simple, fun, creative.
5. Stay Away From Casseroles.
I know a lot of people love to bring over casseroles in these situations,
and I get it,
they freeze and reheat like a dream,
but casseroles get old,
FAST.
Ask what the family wants for dinner,
see what they like to eat,
and then make that.
Also, bring snacks,
it's no fun trying to reheat a slice of casserole at 4:00 P.M. for an afternoon treat.
6. Be Mindful.
If you are going to ignore #1,
and actually say something,
BE VERY MINDFUL OF WHAT YOU SAY.
Unless you in fact, do know how someone feels,
(i.e. their mother dies, and you have also lost your mother)
DO NOT,
UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE,
say "I know how you feel,"
or even, "I can't imagine what you're feeling."
You're right,
you can't.
And they don't really care about how you are feeling.
Just stick with "I'm sorry" and "What can I do for you?"
And you'll be great.
7. Don't Forget.
Don't forget about them.
Within a week or so you're life will go back to normal,
while theirs is forever changed.
It's incredibly frustrating for a griever to see everyone that was there for them just a few weeks before,
seems to have forgotten about them.
Just give them a quick call to see how they're doing,
go to lunch, coffee, dinner, etc.
Just remember that they have to figure out a whole new normal,
and you most likely don't.
8. Be Prepared.
You, as the friend to the griever,
need to be prepared.
You need to be armed with an arsenal.
You'll need:
-distraction techniques
-diversion techniques
-snacks
-MINTS
(sucking on something is soothing, and people are always in your face in situations like this, fresh breath is helpful)
-attentive ears
-broad shoulders...better to cry on
9. Preparation Doesn't Always Prepare.
In some situations the griever is relatively prepared for this to happen.
They have known it was coming, because of illness or old age.
But keep in mind,
no amount of preparation can prepare someone for this.
They may have been completely prepared,
physically,
mentally,
and emotionally.
But despite all of that,
this is still the first time that person has died.
And it's always difficult,
no matter what preparations are made.
10. Pray.
It's cliché for a reason,
but prayer is always the best thing you can do for someone.
The Lord is really the only one who can do anything to comfort and heal a griever,
and it's best that you just help Him work.
Also, keep in mind that grievers need lots of intercession,
because they might not be on speaking terms with God at this point.
Be diligent.
Be faithful.
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