Cleansing Rain.

I've been toying with the idea of this blog post for quite some time now,

but I've just never been sure if I really wanted to write it.

And even if I did, 

how would I do it?

What would I say?

But tonight I have decided that yes, 

I do want to share this with you.

So here goes.

I'm going to assume that I'm not the only person with,

what I like to call, 

a secret sin.

We've all got em,

right?

That thing that you just can't seem to get away from.

It plagues you.

You know it's wrong.

You know it's sinful.

You know it's hurting you.

You know it's hurting God.

But for whatever reason,

you just can't stop.

You might have some successful bouts,

a couple days,

a week or so, 

a month,

etc. 

And you're proud of those periods of restraint,

discipline, 

and freedom.

You think,

"This time is different."

"This time I'm going to kick it for good."

But eventually,

you don't.

And it's back.

And it's brought with it a lifetime supply of 

guilt,

shame,

low self-esteem,

self-pity,

hopelessness,

etc.

And the cycle begins anew. 

I have one of those.

Well actually, 

I used to. 

I was plagued by sin.

It was always with me.

At times it consumed me.

No matter how hard I tried,

it was still there. 

No matter how many changes I made,

it was still there. 

No matter how many times I prayed,

it was still there. 

I didn't understand it. 

I hated it.

I hated myself because of it. 

It made me sick to my stomach.

And it caused some serious emotional and spiritual issues. 

It made me feel worthless. 

It made me feel stupid.

It made me feel weak. 

I can't even fathom how many times I cried out to God to take it from me,

to heal me,

to clean me,

to rescue me. 

But I never felt like He did. 

It was always with me.

And eventually I just accepted the fact that this was always going to be an issue. 

But the beautiful thing is that God had a much bigger plan in mind. 

I never understood why I had to deal with this.

Couldn't it be something else?

Something a little smaller, or simpler?

And I still don't understand why it had to be this,

and I may never understand why.

But I do think I know why it had to last so long.

The longer it plagued me,

the sweeter forgiveness would feel. 

Allow me to share my story of redemption:

 December 19, 2012.

It was a Wednesday night,

 and we had finished up with CollegeLife.

After I had finished cleaning,

 a friend came up and asked if I wanted to go ride around with her.

She and I hadn't seen each other in a while so I said yes,

 and we got in her car and went on our way.

In the course of us driving,

 and talking,

 and singing, 

we started talking about "it."

This thing that no one

 (or very few, she being one of the few) 

knew about.

I was glad to be able to talk to her about this

 and have her be able to understand where I was coming from, 

and not think less of me.

We stopped driving and pulled off into this parking lot overlooking a big open pasture. 

As we were sitting and talking, 

I was just overcome with this feeling of extreme hopelessness. 

I felt like this was never going to go away. 

I felt like I was stuck with it,

and that was that. 

I felt weak and pathetic,

completely useless. 

And she said,

 "You know what? We can do this. But we have to do it together." 

Then she started to pray, 

at this point I'm just bawling my eyes out, 

and snotting all over the place. 

But as she was praying, 

something happened.

It started to rain, 

just barely. 

And I knew it was the Lord's blessing.

I just knew it.

I have never been so sure of anything in my life. 

So I just started saying,

"It's His blessing! He's blessing us! It's His blessing!"

Of course I just kept on crying,

and she leaned her head on my shoulder and said,

"It's almost like He's washing us clean."

And as soon as she said it, 

we both started screaming,

"Oh my god, that 's what He's doing!" 

"He's cleaning us!"

"What is going on!"

"I can't believe this is happening!"

And I'm sure many, many other things. 

The rain only lasted for a moment, 

but it was enough.

 So she and I climbed out of the sun roof and sat on top of the car,

blaring some Christy Nockles song. 

She was pure joy, 

just laughing and singing.

She was glowing.

I,
 on the other hand,
 was a basket case,

sobbing and nasty crying everywhere. 

I'm sure if anyone would have seen us they would have called the police.
We looked insane.

But it gets better. 

While we were singing and laughing and crying,

 it started to rain a second time.

And this time it rained just a little bit longer,

and just a little bit harder. 

And as soon as that first rain drop hit, 

I fell into hysterics again. 

I couldn't believe what was going on.

I couldn't believe what was happening.
I couldn't believe this was happening to ME.

While I was sitting on top of the car dazed and confused,

my friend noticed something in the field in front of us.

She sat there with her jaw dropped just pointing. 

Bring out the angels!

(Just kidding, there were no angels, but that would have been really cool though)

I leaned over and I saw it. 

The fence was making a shadow on the grass, 

and it was making the most beautiful cross. 

And as soon as I saw that wonderful cross, 

it started to rain a third time. 

And this time it rained just a little bit harder, 

and just a little bit longer. 

Cue hyperventilation. 

I was cleaned. 

I was washed clean. 

He literally washed me of my sins. 

And now I am whole.

I am finally free.

I am clean.

I am forgiven. 

I am redeemed. 

I am free. 

That sin is no longer a part of my life. 

I am no longer in bondage to it. 

I am free. 

The Lord freed me. 

Before I went to bed that night I read Psalm 31,

and of course I started sobbing all over again.

But it was the good kind of sobbing so it was okay. 

I had finally come to the place I had dreamed about for so long,

a place I never thought I would actually get to.

But I'm still here. 

I'm still free.

And it's the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced.
And I just had to share it.

I pray that the Lord shows you love and forgiveness. 

I pray that you find freedom.

I pray that you are cleaned.